06 Jan 2016

5 Questions for Your New Single Life

When beginning to venture out into dating life again, it’s important to ask oneself these five questions to help clarify what you’re looking for in a new relationship. These aren’t resolutions, but rather internal conversations that will hopefully fortify your resolve to be connected to the most important elements of the life you want to have. While I have written these for newly single people, they’re also helpful for those that are single and dating.


Which people in my life give my life the most meaning and how much time do I want to spend with them?


I see that time is the thing that is the most valuable asset in the construction of a life well lived. What I mean by this is that as goals like money, possessions or looks are either not attained or depleted from a person’s life, the essence of what a person values are their relationships to others. Whether it’s time spent with family members, your closest friends or your co-workers, take an account of how much time you actually spend with those you love most and the time you would prefer to spend with them and make that a priority in the new year especially as you begin dating.

When a past client of mine began dating a new love interest, she began to feel pressured by this new man to leave her children with a babysitter for a weekend so that she could go away for the weekend with him because he didn’t have his children that weekend. She felt torn because on the one hand she was struck by how good she felt when she was with him after only a few months of dating him but on the other hand, she had been working long hours at work and her children were acting out their missing her at bedtime by refusing to go to school on school mornings.

We discussed what her priorities were (letting her kids know she was there for them, having fun times with them, helping them with school work) and what she was seeking in this new dating relationship (companionship, sexual pleasure, intimacy). How much time did she want to give to her children and how much time weekly to the relationship? She decided since it had only been six months since her separation she felt that a once a week date was all she was looking for from this new relationship. She let her new friend know that she couldn’t go away for a whole weekend at this time but was taking a rain check and would like to plan a trip in the future so she could coordinate with her ex-husband.


How much time do I want to spend taking care of myself and how do I go about doing that?


When clients of mine begin to date, many of them feel anxious about how their images are being perceived through their online photos, what clothes they should wear on dates, and how their bodies are viewed when they undress in front of a new lover.

For clients whose sex life with their ex-partner had either slackened to low frequency or a non-existent experience, getting back into a sexual relationship can cause much worry over how their looks will be perceived by new sets of eyes. Their Sex Esteem has been depleted or bruised and they need to feel more aligned with a healthier embodiment. One man I counseled had been left six months earlier by his wife because of her impatience with his lack of interest in improving their relationship. The man admitted he was a workaholic and had uncontrolled ejaculation which he had neglected to address throughout their 15-year marriage. He began addressing his sexual concerns in therapy and in so doing discussed how he would feel more comfortable in his own skin.

He said he wanted to learn techniques to gain ejaculatory control, lose some weight and feel more tone before becoming sexually active with a new partner. We began to focus on exercises he could practice at home to gain more control over his ejaculation. In my assessment, I also asked him if he ever did a sport or some physical activity that he enjoyed when he was younger and he responded that he used to love to play tennis but he had been so busy taking his kids to their sports games on weekends he didn’t have time for himself. I asked him how much time he could realistically play tennis and he said twice every other weekend when his wife had the kids.

He joined a community tennis club and began a round robin class that also enabled him to meet new people. He also bought a treadmill and commit to waking early once a week to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes on a morning he didn’t have his children. After four months of this new routine, he felt stronger and more confident in his strength, stamina and sexual technique and asked a woman out who he had met in the tennis class. Through our sessions on how to improve his sexual functioning and the time spent exercising three times a week, he felt more physically confident.


What parts of my erotic self need tending?


Like a garden that needs attention through sun, water, weeding and re-seeding, our erotic life also needs re-nourishment in order to grow. When relationships end, sometimes people either go on a bender of having many new experiences of sex or they withdraw from dating entirely due to the hurt, rejection or shame they’ve experienced. Neither of these two extremes helps people specifically focus on ways in which they want to grow erotically by choosing new partners with deliberate thought.

I counsel single people to think about what they were missing in their former relationship and how they want to feel in the future regarding their Sex Esteem. One gay man talked about becoming more dominant in his next relationship since he had assumed the role of a bottom with his past partner and most of his past relationships. He had avoided topping most of his adult life in long-term relationships because of his experience of losing erections due to anxiety.

I asked him if he had ever acted out his fantasy of being a top and he said he had when he had had hookups between his long-term relationships. Therapy sessions were focused on steps he could take to speak with more Sex Esteem with new partners in order to be clear what kind of sex interested him. I helped him with exercises on reducing anxiety, focusing on resilience and understanding the meaning he attributed to being dominant in a loving relationship. He began turning down dates from men who only liked to top after learning the language to use to let them know what he was looking for.


Check out the rest of the list here: http://huff.to/1Pf9D4h

We would recommend that couples should contact us for advice at the Law Office of Alice Pare at 301-515-1190 or visit our website at: https://www.alicelaw.com

Do not at any time take the risky move of going at it alone.  We have a wide choice when it comes to going it alone but with the professional advice you will need.

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